In the words of Jack Donaghy: "O...M...F...G."
So, I’ve been on this miracle trek through the 1960s and 1970s of Vanderbilt yearbooks (for a project on the housing perils at Vanderbilt). At right, you can see the most fantastic thing ever, which comes to us via page 284 of the Vanderbilt Commodore 1968.
Clearly, Paul Pilgrim here is providing a few tips and trick (…not like that) about Valentine’s Day and/or Mardi Gras for our fine friend. Here are a few for the modern lady this Valentine’s Day:
1. Don’t give some guy a blow job, have your ex walk in, your ex stab you, and then get pregnant.
I think we’ve all learned our lesson about this one.
2. Don’t sit in awkward positions*.
Sometimes, I repeat this to myself. “Don’t sit in awkward positions, don’t sit in awkward positions, history belongs to the brave.” A slow clap for attention to detail, incidentally, because this could not be more awkward. B the w, never look bored, and chew your gum silently. If possible, become a ghost. But a quiet one.
3. Don’t tug at your girdle.
Is he averting his eyes because her stockings are wrinkled? Did she tug at her girdle? I know it’s not because she forgot to wear a brassiere. It could be how stump city those convent shoes are in panel two, I don’t know. But she’ll never know either, because she can’t ask, since she is not allowed to speak. Also, if you need a brassiere, wear one.
4. Don’t talk while dancing.
I’m not OVERLY sure how talking while dancing makes you careless, unless you’re sharing our national secrets with the Germans just like a woman might, but no worries, most of us prefer to be unsociable and taciturn while dancing. Just remember, when a man dances, he wants to dance.
5. Don’t talk to the waitstaff. Alternatively, don’t talk.
Men deserve, desire your entire attention, ho, so don’t get too chatty at dinner.
6. Don’t drink too much.
He looks terrified by her expression. This is fair, because that is straight 1930s Courtney Love action right there. Illustration aside, you must keep your dignity all evening, because guys hate when girls misplace their dignity. More importantly, drinking either makes you seem clever or become silly — truly, a no-win situation.
7. Don’t be this girl.
Most importantly, don’t end up like First Team All-Shambles here, coming to us from the 1973 Vanderbilt Commodore yearbook:
The reality of a sophomore slump indeed, y’all. I live in a Towers suite we call the Shambles Shack. Some of us debated making this into a poster last night.
*A full set of those fine 1930s photos can be found here, and for excellent commentary on them, check out this post.
