All that’s missing from George Joyce’s American Thinker column yesterday is an invisible jet for Miss California so she can lasso everybody up onto one wing and fly the GOP out of the wilderness.
“What can Carrie Prejean do for America and the GOP? For starters, she can drive a very deep wedge into the heart of “Generation Y” – those legions of swooning Obama youth who may have single handedly delivered America over to the radical left in the last election. While many liberals fashion their identities by atoning for anything traditionally American, Prejean can help persuade young people that patriotism, faith, marriage and tradition are actually, despite what the left may say, pretty cool.”
So, yes, we are resting the fate of the GOP — nay, America — on some fake knockers.
Joyce envisions a scenario (fantasy) where Carrie Prejean, Miss California, serves as conservative ambassador to the Millenial/Gen Y/Echo Boom generation. This seems to be an ongoing thought on the part of the conservative blogosphere (particularly the male part), so let’s break this down:
1. We’re seriously overestimating the importance or even relevancy of the Miss Anything Pageant.
If you’re a beauty queen, now is not the time. Only five million viewers watched the Miss USA pageant this year, roughly one-sixth of the number who will watch tonight’s American Idol finale. The Miss America pageant has not been on a major network since 2005. Any guesses on what channel carried it this year? TLC. CMT carried the event for the two years preceeding TLC’s tenure, which solidly isolates “Country Music Fans” and “Gays” as the central constituencies. Since the former the GOP already has, and the latter the GOP’s not quite throwing Sunday brunch for, there’s little gain in the target audiences of beauty pageantry.
The cultural relevance of the pageant itself is arbitrary anyway; the only notable winner, in either contest, in a lasting way, of the past quarter century was Vanessa Williams in 1984.
2. The Right normally acts like post-odometer Cameron Frye everytime a 22 year-old celebrity says something political.
Every time the cast of Gossip Girl does a Rock the Vote ad or some actor discusses the environment, conniptions are had amongst the conservative brethren. But the moment somebody stands up for “opposite marriage” (OPPOSITE MARRIAGE?), everything’s totally cool. As a shameless pop culture follower, this kind of contradiction grinds my gears a little bit.
Now, disclaimer, Carrie Prejean can think whatever she wants to about gay marriage, and she gave a decent enough answer to the question, so hey nonny nonny. What George Joyce describes, however, in practice has little to do with the contents of her heart or mind, but her ability to be the masthead mermaid on the GOP pirate ship. Opposite marriage, combined with beauty pageant status, and the third, most visceral flaw with Carrie Prejean which we’re about to get to in just a moment, give her a kind of uncomfortable Jessica-Simpson-by-way-of-Ali-Landry sheen.
3. No girl cares what she thinks.
Now, I’m not your average girl, but I will bet my first child that most Gen Y girls would not listen to two things Carrie Prejean wants to say, and let’s start with the most visceral reason: She looks kind of slutty.
Exhibit A:
Ludicrously, she’s only 22. She looks 27. It’s a tad difficult to imagine this woman teaching school to young children, is all I’m saying. Bill Simmons offered the best description of the different lens through which guys and girls assess women I’ve ever read*:
You know how women will only accept that certain singers/actresses are attractive, and anybody who isn’t on that list suddenly becomes a disgusting pig? Drives me crazy. Women don’t care what we actually think, they only care about what they want us to think. For instance, they always try to push females like Kristin Davis (Charlotte on “Sex and the City”) or Andie McDowell on us. Isn’t she sexy? You don’t think she’s sexy? And when we say no — they’re attractive, but they’re not sexy — we become the bad guys.
To make matters worse, then someone like Shakira comes along, shakes her ass, smiles with that shit-eating grin and drives our girlfriends practically insane. I bet you like her, don’t you! You would! You would like her! It’s good to know that you would like a slut! That’s what she is, you know that, right? You don’t think I could look good if I was wearing a tableclotch, 20 pounds of makeup and 60 pounds of wax in my hair? Huh? HUH?
*A mailbag column I read…seven years ago? I can’t remember to move my car when it’s parked in the wrong lot at school, but I am golden when it comes to remembering meaningless columns.
Now, on the one hand, if we could legitimately target young male voters and basically be like, look, GOP Equates to Hot Girls, the Kind Michael Phelps Would Bang, that’s not such a terrible strategy. It works extremely well with voter registration at NASCAR races for the GOP. But those voters probably aren’t such a problem for the GOP, and Joyce seems to have a higher purpose intended for Prejean anyway, one that requires across-gender support.
If the GOP wants to play the Hollywood game, we need to find a girl who’ll make both People’s Most Beautiful People List and the Maxim 100, or close to either. You need a Beyonce, not a Megan Fox. Beauty pageant winners have that ability, but rarely can they sustain it unless they’ve got an acting, singing, or broadcast career* to continue. The obvious choices, of course, would be Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift (in both People and Maxim this year and probably conservative-ish, though probably still too squeaky clean) but they’ve both approached fame with the Jordanesque blankness of personal opinion that translates so well into market potential.
*Prejean will begin appearing on Fox News soon, but that’s essentially forfeiting any visa into Gen Y territory. And her potential pop culture claim — Michael Phelps — has all the onscreen charisma of a concrete slab, so a lasting LeBron/Peyton/Brady advertising career is unlikely.
The other critical point, of course, is event/project focused activism. Excepting presidential election cycles, celebrity activism generally involves projects, like anything George Clooney’s involved himself with, green events, and aid for refugees from genocide. Prejean works with special needs kids, which is the right direction, but needs to be brought to the forefront. Focus on charity and helping people, then slyly slide your message/agenda in beside it. That’s basically how fair trade became so trendy — helping the poor farmers by buying cool looking products, and how terrible is our trade policy, by the way, etc. etc. Like, box Natalie Portman out of the microfinancing charity press circuit, and slide somebody in there who can talk up conservatism.
We need somebody in the Elizabeth Banks, Leighton Meester, Mila Kunis, Isla Fisher, Rachel McAdams model of actresses — hot but likeable, funny but not ditzy. Someone who even if all the liberal pop culture bloggers in the history of ever disagree with her on gay marriage, their first thought is about how good she was in a movie or television show, not her personal beliefs. Endear an actress through pop culture means, focus her on project-oriented activism, drag stupid starlets into it under the banner of helping people, and then pepper statements with conservativism, until 2012 rolls around and you can go full-tilt.
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Wait… So you’re saying Miss USA isn’t a proxy competition for the future direction of our country???